A guy is having marital problems.  He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized
in parrots.  As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one
with no feet.  Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto
the perch?"  The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."
 
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a
parrot."  The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated
parrot.  I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject
you wish."  The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was
looking for."  The parrot says "There's not much of a market for
maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet
he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things
go great.  When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton
said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing
at him and says,
"Come in and shut the door."  The guy says, "What's up?" 

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the
mailman came today.  Your wife answered the door in her negligee
and he kissed her right on the lips."  The guy says, "Oh, a
momentary flight of passion." The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but
then he fondled her breasts."  The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started
sucking on her breasts."  The guy says, "My God, what happened
next?!?" The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell
off my perch!"