"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
  chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at
  the last moment, and I happened to be standing there
  at the judge's table asking directions  to the beer
  wagon when the call came.  I was assured by the other
  two judges and (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
  be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have
  free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
  Here are the scorecards from the event with the three jodges notes:

  Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
  JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
  FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
  could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
  two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
  worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

  Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
  JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
  JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
  be taken seriously.
  FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
  sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
  to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
  Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more  beer when
  they saw the look on my face.

  Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
 JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
  Needs more beans.
  JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of
  red peppers.
  FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
  nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
  knows the routine by now,  get me more beer before I
  ignite.  Barmaid pounded  me on the back; now my
  backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
  shit-faced from all the beer.

  Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
  JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
  Disappointing.
  JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
  dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
  FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
  was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out
  taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind
  me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to
  look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is
  chili an aphrodisiac?

  Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
  JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
  freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very  impressive.
  JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
  tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
  statement.
  FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
  forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted
  and four people behind  me needed paramedics. The
  contestant seemed offended when I told her  that her
  chili had given me brain  damage.  Sally saved my
  tongue  from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
  from  a pitcher.  I  wonder if I'm burning my lips
  off? It really pisses me off that the  other judges
  asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

  Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
  JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
  Good balance of spice and peppers.
  JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
  onions, and garlic. Superb.
  FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
  with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
  farted and I'm worried it will  eat through the chair.
  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
  slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought.  Can't
  feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my ass with a
  snow cone!

  Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
  canned peppers.
  JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally
  threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
  should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
  appears to be in a bit of distress  as he is cursing
  uncontrollably.
  FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
  pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing.  I've lost the
  sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
  of rushing water. My shirt is covered  with chili
  which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
  full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
  least during the  autopsy they'll know what killed me.
  I've decided to stop  breathing, it's too painful.
  Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need
  air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in
  my stomach.

  Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
  JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
  chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
  declare its existence.
  JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
  neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
  lost when Judge  Number 3 passed out, fell over and
  pulled the chili pot down on top  of himself.  Not
  sure if he's going to make it.  Poor Yank, wonder how
  he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
  FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
  unable to report)