THE GHOST SHIT
     The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but
     there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
     The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's
     no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
     You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up
     putting toilet paper between your ass and our underwear so you
     don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
     This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
     and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
     Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so
     much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
     No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
     The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without
     first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
     The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's
     most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of
     the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
     The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out,
     all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
     Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your ass
     so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the
     toilet water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
     That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
     splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same
     time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
     A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
     This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show
     it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
     This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing
     you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
     This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the
     aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
     A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
     This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
     within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
     This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
     A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
     Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface
     after many flushing.
THE RANGER
     A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a
     rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is
     to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
     This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting
     it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
     Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you.
     Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
     A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
     inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
     are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
     A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
     position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
     This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
     event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance
     to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
     This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
     woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
     An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God
     when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
     Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
     Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
     Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
     The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're
     done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
     This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
     over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
     Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
     The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be
     coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
     Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of
     the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space
     remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
     The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have
     two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling
     up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
     When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your
     rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
     When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
     make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
     Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
     anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near
     the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
     Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
     off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.