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If General George Patton were alive and President of the USA, this would be his
Fireside Speech:
My fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been
completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete
removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30
days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have
stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short: The United
Kingdom, Italy, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, Norway and Poland are some of the
countries listed there. The other list contains everyone not on the first list.
Most of the world's nations are on that list.
My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations
on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first
year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. The American
people are no longer going to pour money into third world hell-holes and watch
those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine?
Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France. In the future, together with Congress,
I will work to cut taxes and solve some local problems.
On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt
you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China. To
Israel and the Palestinian Authority. You, boys work out a peace deal now. Just
note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for
negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.
I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from
NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City
to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more
than two unpaid tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded
and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. Pay your
tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned
over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are going to be
seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off
for a change. Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt
government really need an attitude adjustment. I have a couple of extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border
security. So start doing something with your oil. Oh, by the way, the United
States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty--starting now. It is time for America to
focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin.'"
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has
only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is
time to cut taxes here because we will not be spending it on other peoples
problems. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you. To
the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead. God bless America.
Thank you and good night.
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