ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE
TO GET TO  KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT
YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: 

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR 
ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED
TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice.  I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat 
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, 
I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I
can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, 
and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin
from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries.

When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I
repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless
bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of
corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private 
citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number 
nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured 
New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. 
I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame 
in international botany circles.  Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with
deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and 
David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an
entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of 
every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several 
covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had 
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all
paid.  On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in 
full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of 
life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary 
four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I 
breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan, 
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at 
the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart 
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

           But I have not yet gone to college.