|
When you have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
DON'T know...
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with
Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to
call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an
asshole!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It
would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real
setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had
an idea.
I dialed his number and when I heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name.
"Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you'd be
interested in our caller ID program?"
"No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
Keep reading this, it gets better!........
An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car
began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.
I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I
thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying
up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit
the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
shopping center as if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, this guy's
another asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world.
Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I
wrote down the phone number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A
couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the
phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really
easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number
of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I'd better call
this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure..."
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down. Then, I added Don
Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to
be going much better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to
call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on
them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some
serious thought and came up with this solution:
First, I had my phone speed dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely, "Hello?"
I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "Make me."
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
So I told him, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live at l want to meet you."
I told him, "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!", and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2. Don Hansen answered, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole."
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole."
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my
way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as
soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war
going on down on West 34th Street... After that I climbed
into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing Glorious
satisfaction!
Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad
cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest
experiences of my life!
|
